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Wednesday, July 06, 2011

Attitude Adjustment

I need one.

It might involve a (temporary?) hiatus from facebook.

There is this ugly emotion that is about to suffocate me.  There is a kind reader out there who told me that my spirit was too big to be contained by a wheelchair (that was one of the nicest comments I've ever received, by the way), but I'm getting worried that this ugly emotion is threatening to strangle even my spirit these days.  The emotion is jealousy.

There seem to be two themes on Facebook these days: vacation and babies. And in an extreme form of masochism, I cannot stop looking at pictures. The thing that bothers me is that I truly, deeply and honestly am so happy for every one of my friends, but rather than ask questions, I want to lie in my bed, pull the sheets over my head and cry. My friend Molly who graduated from Colgate when I did, just had a baby girl and I swear to God she is the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. My roommate Meg just returned from a 10 day excursion to Alaska, and honestly, in this Baltimore heat and humidity I cannot think of a place I would rather visit.  Another girl that I ran track with in high school is gallivanting all over the countryside of Australia.   All of this is wonderful of course, but I wonder: do these people truly appreciate what they have?  Do any of us truly appreciate what we have before it is gone?

It makes my heart hurt.

So I guess, the whole point of this blog is just to implore you, if you are able to hike, or to climb mountains, or to snorkel with beautiful fish or to make beautiful, perfect children please know how happy I am for you. And please know that I wish I were strong enough to comment on your pictures, or in some cases to even pick up the phone and congratulate you.  But I am not. I am too busy sitting in my apartment wishing I were not imprisoned by my own body.  Hating myself for being a bad friend.  And wishing I had the emotional fortitude to eradicate this heinous emotion that is choking me from the inside out: jealousy.