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Wednesday, July 06, 2011

Attitude Adjustment

I need one.

It might involve a (temporary?) hiatus from facebook.

There is this ugly emotion that is about to suffocate me.  There is a kind reader out there who told me that my spirit was too big to be contained by a wheelchair (that was one of the nicest comments I've ever received, by the way), but I'm getting worried that this ugly emotion is threatening to strangle even my spirit these days.  The emotion is jealousy.

There seem to be two themes on Facebook these days: vacation and babies. And in an extreme form of masochism, I cannot stop looking at pictures. The thing that bothers me is that I truly, deeply and honestly am so happy for every one of my friends, but rather than ask questions, I want to lie in my bed, pull the sheets over my head and cry. My friend Molly who graduated from Colgate when I did, just had a baby girl and I swear to God she is the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. My roommate Meg just returned from a 10 day excursion to Alaska, and honestly, in this Baltimore heat and humidity I cannot think of a place I would rather visit.  Another girl that I ran track with in high school is gallivanting all over the countryside of Australia.   All of this is wonderful of course, but I wonder: do these people truly appreciate what they have?  Do any of us truly appreciate what we have before it is gone?

It makes my heart hurt.

So I guess, the whole point of this blog is just to implore you, if you are able to hike, or to climb mountains, or to snorkel with beautiful fish or to make beautiful, perfect children please know how happy I am for you. And please know that I wish I were strong enough to comment on your pictures, or in some cases to even pick up the phone and congratulate you.  But I am not. I am too busy sitting in my apartment wishing I were not imprisoned by my own body.  Hating myself for being a bad friend.  And wishing I had the emotional fortitude to eradicate this heinous emotion that is choking me from the inside out: jealousy.

9 comments:

Tracy said...

For entirely different reasons, I, too, have been suffering from Facebook-induced jealousy. Family vacations, BBQs, photos of happy, smiling faces.... Yes I'm happy for the joy all of my friends are experiencing and I wish nothing but the best for all of them. But that twinge is all too familiar to me, too. Take that Facebook break. Your spirit will thank you for it. And I thank you for sharing your journey so honestly.

Willowtree said...

I think it is immensely difficult to appreciate what we have before it is gone. To even think of its absence while we still have it is unfathomable.

Mike P. said...

I love taking pictures. I hate it when I find a shot that I simply can not get to. At least not safely or reasonably. Sometimes we just need to try harder to get that shot than everyone else does.

Kristine said...

I found your blog ages ago, when I was feeling a little lonely as a teacher in a wheelchair, and was searching the Internet for others. I'm sure I said it before, and I'll say it again... If you ever want to chat with a fellow club member, feel free to HMU! (Learned the acronym from my teenagers... "hit me up." :). I can be found at kristine.napper at gmail dot com, or on Facebook. :)

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